Mihi displiceat Hydrophobia: prophetia

The following will devolve into a stream of consciousness:

Hydrophobia was back on sale yet again for 75% off on Steam. So, this time around, I figured I'd pick it up. C'mon, $1.24. I might as well.

I knew full well that I'd be aiming for every single achievement possible, but I went for it anyways. From the beginning, the controls were good and I learned fairly quickly that MLAA is a terrible idea as it turns the screen into a mess of tie-dyed blurs with solid cores. Okay. Fine. I'll turn that off and it removed that and the resulting image proved it wasn't needed in the first place what with all the bloom everywhere.

So, I'll continue on. Scoot rather likes his dirty jokes and both he and the player character do enjoy cursing. Then again, that seems to be the norm for real conversations these days. Odd knick-knacks hidden here and there, secret messages, cool. Stuff to search for. The water is amazing! Okay, turn down particle effects to salvage fps. And....fps is now, worse? How can turning down particle effect quality worsen my fps? Ugh...

Forging on. Single shots to the head with Sonic ammo = insta kill. Got it. Shoot this, shoot that. Boom. Fzzt. CRACK! WATERFALL!!! WEEEEEE! Alright, that was fun. Wait, now I need an air pocket. Whoops. You know what, I kind of like this game. The water simulations are awesome, I'm getting decent fps most of the time, and I'm only dying because I did something stupid. Cool. :D

*skipping ahead*

And now, the final act. "Make your way through the burning shuttle area with a conveniently placed wall, multiple hazards, and enemies popping up out of nowhere for no reason." Great.

Attempt 1: Death by guy who came out of area I just cleared.
Attempt 2: Death by his buddy who was across the map.
Attempt 3: Cleared both groups. Death by guy who spawned behind a sign AFTER I passed it. Seriously?
Attempt 4: Death because the game didn't want to process my trigger finger until 2 seconds after I let go. Meaning I was standing out of cover against 2 enemies for 3 seconds.
Attempt 8:  Cleared all the guys, but apparently there's a medal called Gravity. Hmm...
Attempt 16: Well, that sucked. 5 guys to kill, their bodies flying over, under, or through the railing and landing in the pit below don't register. Fine. Continue onwards and climb up. Time to make that jump...and my character stops moving halfway through. I fall to my death.
Attempt 17: The landing is what'll kill you.
Attempt 21: Same cutscene for the umpteenth time. Faceplant. Here we go again...
Attempt 22: Okay. Turn camera 180 degrees. Look straight at vent. Meditate. Breathe. Hold back while facing backwards. And...JUMP! MADE IT! Finally.

*skipping ahead*

 Ooo. I can make water towers now. About time. It's over halfway through this act and only now do I get to play with physics. Probably was a doozy to code. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt.

Okay, moving the mouse forward/back controls how far/close the tower is and ALSO changes my aim? What person thought of that? I can see what I'm doing because my view is flying around like a ragdoll with rockets attached to each limb. Good will is dropping...

Final Boss:

Dead in 10 seconds THEN it tells me what to do before the game cuts it off before I can read it (2 seconds and zip!).

Attempt 2: Dead in 15 seconds. Hey hey! Improvement! Still don't know what I should be doing.
Attempt 3: Here we go again. I no longer want to be more than friends. Can I change this to easy? I'm afraid I won't beat it this time.
Attempt 4: Okay. Shoot energy pellet then use water tower to hurl object at boss. Got it. Death by henchman that spawned 6ft away with a shotgun.
Attempt 6: Done one boss hit cycle. Guys popping up out of nowhere, boss is shooting with perfect accuracy with...grenades? Death.
Attempt 8: Oh come on!
Attempt 10: You know what. Using clunky, awkward controls, requiring energy pellets when I was doing a "sonic-only" playthrough without knowing I was, forgetting to switch back before I kill someone, having the water power take over aiming, no quicksaves whatsoever so I don't have to keep repeating the same 30-70 seconds over and over again not including cutscenes, swapping to cutscenes for no apparent reason (I don't need to see the boss dock itself cinematically. The camera was fine the way it was.), and getting shot at from 4 directions with my view spinning like a merry-go-round, I'm done.

I don't think I'm going to bother finishing it. It started great and in the final act drove itself into the ground. I was getting quite animated and frustrated with the game. (Then again, it is 5am and I've been at it for a couple hours.) So, that's it. I can't take it anymore. There's a "Let's Play" for this game on YouTube, so I'm going to watch the end of the game there. I don't care if it is 360p, I'm going to see the ending(s), and that's that.

I was thinking about putting screenshots in this post, but since I killed the game and immediately started writing this, I'm not going to. It is too much hassle (stupid checkpoint system...) and I don't want to replay the game just to get the right shots.

And another thing. This game screams console port. I've seen "Press [Insert Button Here]" prompts in place of my actual mapped keys, the main menu moves around (annoying when you are trying to click on something), the player character's power controls were ripped straight from an analog stick and slapped onto the mouse, and jumping does not perform as expected (No! I did not mean hang on the side of the box. Jump to the other one!). There's probably other things I've forgotten, but it's probably better that way.

In short, the water physics were awesome at the start, but the end turned them into a novelty. Nothing of importance. Is it cool? Yes. But it's implementation sucked. So, I'd recommend it only for the tech.

*And seriously? Breast physics? Her bosom isn't even large enough to move that way. Let alone in her clothing. It's not even noticeable unless you turn the character around to backtrack right before the camera inevitably forces you to face forward again. I only found it on the only puzzle involving your water powers at the end of the game....when what I wanted to do and what the character did were completely different things.

*All hail translation services!