Well, it turns out Windows resizing my desktop and windows while rearranging my icons is by design...due to DisplayPort. If you turn off a monitor connected via DisplayPort, Windows detects the monitor as disconnected. Should that be your only monitor, everything gets resized to 800x600 or, in my case, the last known good resolution. If that isn't your only monitor, Windows throws everything around to the remaining monitors and still messes up icons.
Huh.
